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Hoàng Phan IELTS Success 2024
30 ث - ترجم

IELTS question: The number of people who are overweight or obese is far higher than in previous generations. What are the reasons for this, and how can the problem be tackled?

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Hoàng Phan

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A response: One of the reasons why so many people are obese is that they eat junk food, like hamburgers, chips, or fried chicken. The solution is for the government to increase tax on this kind of unhealthy food.
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Hoàng Phan

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Self-Reflection: Do you think this paragraph would help the student get a good grade in the IELTS writing exam?
1. Is the paragraph long enough? How many words should be in a good paragraph?
2. What is missing from the paragraph?
3. How could you improve it?
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Hoàng Phan

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To meet IELTS standards, the paragraph should aim for about 4-5 sentences, providing a clear, well-developed idea with supporting details.
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Hoàng Phan

1726459830
Feedback about the user's response:
Here's what's missing and how it can be improved:
1. The paragraph mentions junk food as a reason for obesity but doesn't explain why junk food leads to obesity. It could benefit from brief explanations about high calorie content, lack of nutritional value, or addictive nature of junk food.
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Hoàng Phan

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2. Examples and specifics: While it mentions hamburgers, chips, and fried chicken, it could provide more specific examples or statistics to strengthen the argument.
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Hoàng Phan

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3. Transition to the problem: There's an abrupt jump from the problem to the solution without a clear connection. A transitional sentence explaining why government intervention is necessary would improve flow.
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Hoàng Phan

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4. Explanation of the proposed solution: The paragraph suggests increasing tax but doesn't explain how this would help reduce obesity. It could discuss how higher prices might discourage consumption or how tax revenue could fund health initiatives.
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Hoàng Phan

1726460177
5. Counter-argument or limitation: To demonstrate critical thinking, the paragraph could briefly acknowledge a potential drawback or limitation of the proposed solution.
6. Concluding sentence: A strong concluding sentence that reinforces the main idea would round off the paragraph effectively.
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